Facing Truths and Coming Out by "Steven"

Perhaps the hardest thing to do in the course of therapy is to face the truths about ourselves. For me, it was acknowledging the fact that I am gay. Although I had wanted to change my sexual feelings through Primal Therapy, I found out (through many painful sessions) that a person's sexuality cannot be changed. Once I accepted myself, I was finally able to reach out and find happiness.

I read The Primal Scream just like any other patient. Naturally, I focused on the sections that discussed homosexuality. After reading the book, I became hopeful. I thought that once I felt all my pain about not having a loving father, my sexual feelings and desires towards men would change, and I would become heterosexual. This is what I wanted to believe. This is what I hoped would happen. I was convinced that Primal Therapy was the only way that I would become the "straight" boy that I had always wanted to be.

From the time that I entered the Institute, no one would promise me that my feelings would change. In fact, I was told in my opening interview, "You can only become who you are". This angered me. I thought that I was being told in a nice way that I was gay. My primary therapist and my co-therapist also told me that, in time, I would become who I am. I wasn't being told what I wanted to hear.

For the next few months, I fought the feelings. I didn't want to be gay. I even tried dating a woman, but this just made me feel worse, since I knew that I did not feel anything sexually towards her, despite the fact that she was very attractive. This, for me, was my last hope.

After six months of therapy, I began working with a therapist, Rick Janov, (Arthur & Vivian's son), who had just finished his training. All my eggs were in one basket. If anyone could help me change my sexuality, he could. Oddly (or not so oddly), his thoughts about sexuality, and specifically, my sexuality, were not different from any of the other therapists at the Institute.

There was one night at the Institute that changed my life forever. I was working privately with Rick during a group, trying to convince him that I was straight because of some feelings towards women that I had. He knew me too well. He stopped me, and replied, "It doesn't matter to me what you are, but you can't lie to yourself. You can't lie about your feelings".

I felt as if my whole world had fallen apart. I cried for the rest of the night. Rick had confronted me with my own truth. He had shown me what I was fighting so hard against. He was right. I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

Once I began facing the truths about myself, my life began to change. I dealt with my fears and concerns head-on. Within a relatively short time period, I began going to gay clubs, and even attended a group on "coming out" at the Gay and Lesbian Services Center in Los Angeles. I dated someone for three months, then met my present lover in a gay photographer's workshop that I joined. By accepting myself, I was able to seek fulfillment of my real, present needs, rather than trying to change needs I wished that I had.

The point of this article is to show that our own truths and secrets, once out in the open and felt, allow us to move on in our lives. Although this article deals with homosexuality, the principle is applicable to any issue. Once we face the truths about ourselves and stop repressing our feelings, we can move on. And, once we do that, we have the rest of our lives to look forward to.